How to Start a Fire at Work Like a Movie Star

Remember the episode of "The Office" where Ryan starts a fire with the toaster oven? That could have been me today.

I didn't really have any leftovers to bring for lunch, so I threw in some frozen chicken empanadas from Trader Joe's. When I got here, I realized that they were completely raw, and if I put them in the microwave, they would turn into a puddle of doughy goo. My solution: jam them into the toaster. Toasters are sort of like ovens, only vertical, right?

I cranked the dial up to the darkest setting and hoped for the best. A little bit of smoke wafted out, but nothing alarming. The cycle was done, and while some parts were burned, others were still doughy. So I rearranged them by, yes, sticking a knife in the toaster slots, and then had them toast through another cycle. My co-worker came in, saw what was going on, and commented that I had "made lunch entertaining."

The toaster started emitting a strange hum. I looked inside, and a little fire had started. But not a burning food fire, but rather a short-circuit fire, hence the hum. So I turned it off, stuck the knife in the toaster again to extricate the little empanadas, and succeeded in alarming my co-worker. "Do you need help?" she asked. "Oh, no, everything's under control," I replied as I turned the toaster upside down and started shaking it. Toast crumbs flew everywhere.

End result? Actually, surprisingly good. The photo above (taken with my cell phone's camera, also surprisingly good) is my sad little lunch today. A little burnt and definitely misshapen, but the crust actually got crispy and flakey like in the oven. Who knew? And the fire department wasn't called, always a good thing.

First Impressions of "The Wire"

A couple of my friends really like this show, so I thought I would give it a whirl. It's HBO, so it ought to be good. I LOVE "The Sopranos" and "Sex in the City," so it seemed a safe bet. Now, I've watched the first three episodes.
My verdict: yeah, it's good, but it doesn't hold a candle to "The Sopranos." Sorry guys. The English major has spoken.
The very first episode of "The Sopranos" had me totally psyched. I wanted to write an essay about it. There was so much going on, the characters were so complex, there was just so much symbolism, so much psychology, I thought I would explode. I talked to my friends about it. I talked to my New Jersey-native English professor about it. The soundtrack was always so good. The juxtaposition of old world versus pop culture, Mafia family versus wife and kids was fascinating. I was hooked.
"The Wire" keeps me entertained. It lives up to its gritty description. But I don't feel instantly invested in the characters the way I did with "The Sopranos." Maybe they will develop more as the show goes on. But with Tony, Carmella, etc, it was instantaneous.
But maybe it's me. I've always had a Mafia fascination. While yes, "The Wire" deals with organized crime, it's of a different, very non-glamorous sort. Rather, it's the sort that I went to middle and high school with. The poor kind of organized crime. Poverty isn't glamorous: my sixth grade locker partner got pregnant and dropped out of middle school by eighth grade. No glamor there. Just poverty and desperation. So maybe I prefer watching criminals who live in expensive, gaudy homes rather than the projects.
But "The Wire" has some nice touches: at the beginning of the third episode, D'Angelo teaches his cronies how to play chess, using street comparisons. No medieval kings and queens here. These pieces are now streetwise muthafuckas. D'Angelo appears to be the most complex character so far: he's a criminal, but there's something in his face that looks so innocent, like he wants to be good, that makes me interested.
But there are a couple of things that just don't make sense to me. First of all, the typewriter. Yes, I understand that the point is that the Baltimore police lack funds, but come on, a manual typewriter? I went to public school my whole life, and always used computers. You would think that they could at least spring for an electric typewriter.
Second, in the third episode, McNulty beds down the attorney. Nope. I don't think that would happen. McNulty is WAY better looking than her. In my experience, people usually end up with people of an equivalent level of attractiveness (unless something weird or scammy is going on). Nines do eight-to-tens, twos do other twos, etc. McNulty, in my opinion, is approximately a seven, but the attorney is a two or three at best. No way. But I guess people do get desperate sometimes.
So I will keep watching, I have to find out what happens, don't I? Maybe it will flesh out more, and I will care more about what happens to the characters.
Oh, and a request: don't talk about the end of "The Sopranos." I haven't finished watching the final season yet.

Dwarfs and Sam Adams Meet the Big Sleep

I think there must be some sort of convention in town, because I saw more dwarfs (is that that the politically correct term? Or do they prefer "Little People"?) in person yesterday than I have the rest of my life put together. While out wandering around during my lunch break, I saw what at first appeared to be two unsupervised toddlers waiting at the streetcar stop. But as I got closer, I realized that one had a mustache, and the other had breasts. Not toddlers, but dwarfs!
Then, as I was leaving work, I saw another dwarf-man standing outside of Caffe Umbria.
Something must be going down. (Ha!)

Speaking of Caffe Umbria, I saw Commissioner Sam Adams outside it enjoying a coffee today, also as I was on my way home from work. It's a pity he's gay, since he's so hot (although he does look rather silly in this photo).

Finally, I think I might be regressing back to how I was supposed to be during my teenage years: I can't for the life of me get up on time in the morning. I get 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night, but apparently, that's not enough. Or I'm allergic to my alarm clock. Yes, that's probably it.
But seriously, in high school, I had to wake up at 7:00 at the latest, and I always did. Now, as supposedly an adult, I'm finding it difficult to rise before 8:00. So now 9:00 a.m. is really more like 9:15, 9:25. I always have good intentions the night before: "Tomorrow, I really will wake up on time. Maybe I'll even get up early enough to go to Ken's for breakfast and then walk to work."
But it rarely happens.

Infinite Possibilities

Well, maybe infinite is an exaggeration, but still, possibilities are swirling around me.
At least one of them is bound to pan out, although it might take a while. But it's okay. Whatever happens is meant to happen, and stressing, pushing, or strategising won't change the outcome.
Is it strange that I feel like however my life is going to turn out is sort of predestined, and if, for example, I sneeze or something, and cause a commotion, I think it's an accident, but really it was what was supposed to happen in the first place? Also, is it contradictory to think everything is predestined if you don't believe in god? I don't think so.
I do think I might be watching a little too much "Lost."
I don't think I explained that very well. But I'm going to assume you know what I mean. Also, I'm really big on seeing odd coincidences as SIGNS. But the thing is, if you're out looking for coincidences or similarities, you probably will be able to find them, just by the sheer fact that you are looking. Looking magnifies every little detail. So is that something you should really trust as being a sign? It seems like it could be sort of self-propagating.
It's funny how things work; you really can't predict the future. I have no idea what's going to happen, but for whatever reason, I have a good feeling. Like either way, I'm going to get something that I want.
Not knowing can be exciting!

La Luna*

Okay, I'm sorry, I am fully aware that this photo is lame. But it was the clearest one I took last night that actually included the moon. I could break out the world reknowned "Blurry Photo Gallery," but I'm guessing you won't be interested in truly indecipherable pictures of the moon. Sorry, back to the point.

Last night was a lunar eclipse! The last one for two years, in fact. It was cloudy most of the day here in Portland, but miraculously, it cleared up in time. It was pretty cool, perhaps not as dramatic as a solar eclipse, but hey, you can watch it without risking burning your retinas!

First of all, the moon looked huge, and muddy, and initially, like a section had been carved out of it. That was really the most exciting point. After that, it continued to look huge and muddy, but not carved anymore. But really, it was quite exciting.

Everyone was out last night, staring at the sky from whatever vantage point was deemed preferrable. The photo above was taken on the infamous Suicide Bridge on SW Vista, but was really just a stopover on my way to a more adventurous, but, alas, less advantagous focal point.

My goal was the top of Council Crest. Unfortunately, I hadn't been there in several years, and finding it in the dark proved more challenging than I was anticipating. Plus, I was rushing, because I didn't want to miss it. I might have run over a rat on the way there. Hopefully not, as I stopped suddenly, but when I proceeded again, I felt like I ran over a little bump in the road. Hopefully, it was just a stick or something, and not Mr. Rodent. But these things happen.

Anyway, I got kind of lost, and wound up on some hill, but it wasn't Council Crest. I stood out there for maybe 20 minutes, then decided I was getting cold and had sufficiently viewed the eclipse. I headed back down the hill, but again, really didn't know where I was going. Where did I end up? On top of the actual Council Crest. Oops. I drive around it, then head back down, thinking I am driving in the direction of Portland. Nope. I end up exactly where I started: on that hill that wasn't Council Crest.

So I try again, making completely different turns from last time, and truly have no idea where I am or what direction I'm going. But I'm going. The streets get narrower, curvier, and darker. Nary a street light is in sight at this point, and I'm getting a little bit nervous. Lost in the rich white suburbs! I might get approached by the fashion police. Or someone might question me because my Volvo is 9 years old, pretty sketchy for that neighborhood.

Finally, the tiny curvy road opens up onto what appears to be a main (although still dark and curvy) street. It leads downhill, which is also a promising sign. Hmm. Things are starting to look familiar. What?! Is that OHSU in the distance? Yes. I look for a street sign, and finally find one. SW Gibbs? I know where I am! I'm not lost anymore. In fact, I'm right in front of my friend's house. I haven't seen him for a while, so I might as well stop by and bother him. Yes, his car's there. Oh, but everything's dark. I give him a call to warn him, no answer, so I leave a message. Then I knock on his door. Just as I'm about to give up and leave, a light turns on, and he emerges from the back of the house and lets me in.

Damn! I woke him up. Sorry. But it's okay. We have tea and chat. It was fun.

*Native Portland GenXers: please note the mid-90s pop culture reference. Remember La Luna in SE? Remember all the great shows you saw there? I sure do: They Might Be Giants, Cherry Poppin' Daddies, countless other grunge, swing, and ska bands. Everclear played there my freshman year for $5.00. Ah, those were the days.

iAss G2: At Your Local Apple Dealer Now

The World's First Multi-Functional Assessory. Introducing The iAss G2.

Full of Air.

iAss G2 is ultrathin, ultraportable, and ultra unlike anything else. You will lose inches and pounds overnight. It’s the result of rethinking conventions. Of multiple wireless innovations. And of breakthrough design. With iAss G2, mobile everything suddenly has a new standard.

iAss G2 is designed and engineered to take full advantage of the wireless world. In a world in which public toilets are increasingly unsanitary or unusable, iAss is so fast and so available, people are truly living untethered — surfing the web, making calls, listening to MP3s, and now...also firming their tush and instantly vaporizing anything that comes out that end, eliminating the need for toilet visits. The new standard of mobile efficiency is here. The iAss G2.

You'll have everyone begging to kiss your iAss.

I Always Wanted Lawn Mowing Planner and Mr. Arty-Farty

Something that made me laugh last year for an ENTIRE afternoon, thereby annoying one of my coworkers:

Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615x Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of preinstalled software--Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. Arty-Farty, Blank Screen Saver, and Antarctica Route Finder--which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.

--From I'm a Stranger Here Myself by Bill Bryson.