Copying Klaus Varley Redux

I just checked, and Klaus Varley found my blog by using the search terms "Klaus Varley." So now I'm copying him again, by putting up a post about what search terms people use to find my blog. It's circular. How post-modern can I get?

This Mouse Owes Me $500

The garage just called. Apparently, a mouse built a nice, cozy little home for himself in my car with old cigarette butts, which clogged everything up.
I plan on pressing charges for illegal squatting and smoking in a designated no-smoking zone, and will have his wages garnished until it comes to $500 to pay for the repair of my car.
Troublemaker.

Not Sure Which is the Better Deal....

Had to have my car towed to the garage this morning, but fortunately nothing complicated is wrong with it. Still, it's going to set me back at least $500.00 That sucks, especially in light of the fact that I'm trying to economize for my upcoming vacation.
Maybe I should just buy a brand new car, and all maintenance will be free for the first couple years. Here's what I came up with:

328xi Sedan
Base MSRP:
$34,300
Total MSRP as Built:
$37,375

So I should totally go for this, right? I really don't need to eat or anything.

Frustration with Plants, Cars, Weather, & Doughnuts

I am presently laying on the couch listening to a shuffle of Radiohead, Iron & Wine, Spoon, Bon Iver, Calexico, and a mix I made, reflecting upon my day. My horoscope today stated that today was my lucky day! It's depicted like a weather report, and showed sunny skies for health, love, and money. So not true, my horoscope lied. So here's my day, for your enjoyment:

First thing I noticed when I woke up this morning was that while the ceramic potter I had on my bedroom windowsill was there, the jade plant was no longer in it. Hmmm. Where did it go? Ah, yes, that's right, it uprooted itself during the night, and under my bed lay the remains of my jade plant amid a pile of dirt. The best way to start the day. Cleaning up a big pile of dirt! My favorite!

Next, due to my own dawdling, I was 20 minutes late meeting my friends for brunch. Oops.

Did I mention the weather? Oh yes. Yesterday, the weather was perfect in all respects: warm and sunny during the day, exciting thunderstorm by night. Today: blah rain.

Brunch is over, and I get in my car to drive to Albina Press for coffee. It turns on, then promptly quits. What? I try it again. Same result. Excellent. I call Alex, who by this time has already left. I try all of his suggestions, but to no avail. I decide (incorrectly) that the battery is weak. I convince Alex to come back to try to jump my car, even though he doesn't think that it's the battery.
He appears within a few minutes, and we are parked side-by-side with hoods open. This attracts the attention of the old man contingent at Sassy's Lounge across the street. Two of them come to investigate, fiddle with my car, and say "why didn't you just ask us? We have jumper cables!" They're very excited. Hopefully, they didn't make the problem worse with their fiddling. After it's unanimous that nothing can be done, they go back to their beer. I call a tow truck.

Just as I see the tow truck drive by I decide to try the car again. Eureka! It works! Amazing! I take off, call the tow company back to cancel the request, and head home happy.

But wait! I spoke too soon. Literally two blocks from home the car in front of me stops suddenly to park. My car starts shuddering like it's going to quit again. Goddammit! I manage to get it started again, but now the check engine light is on too. I park and call it a day as far as the car is concerned. I'll deal with it Tuesday.

I decide that I probably need to watch an episode of "The Office" and eat a doughnut. Both are always enjoyable. Nevermind that I fear getting a fat ass, and that doughnuts are obviously no help in that department. I'll go running. It'll be fine.
I settle in with my doughnut and funny tv show. I take a bite, and promptly drop my doughnut on my shirt. Custard and chocolate are the latest accessory, you know. It's smeared on all the models in New York and Paris this year. Photo below. Okay, maybe I made a big deal about it, but I felt very clumsy.

My parents pick me up to go to dinner at their house, since I don't want to drive my car. Their car, without fail, always makes me carsick, and makes my back hurt. I don't know why, but that's just the way it is. I hold my breath and hope for the best.

Now here I am. The day's over. My horoscope lied: I'm probably going to have to spend money on my car, and I felt really tired today. So that takes care of money and health. Love, well, I would call that partly cloudy. I got postponed, but it might be for the best. Hopefully next weekend my skin will be clear.

Natural Disasters

So many naturals disasters in such a short amount of time. I think it's a little strange. Last night here in Portland, we had an intense thunderstorm--usually, Portland thunderstorms are rare and mild. But the one last night could rival those I've experienced in the midwest or east coast: nearly simultaneous thunder and lightening, wind, hail, torrential rains (over an inch in less than an hour), all resulting in power outages and damage to trees and shrubbery. I really enjoyed it!

So let's recap, shall we?

• Clyclone in Myanmar
• Earthquake and aftershocks in China, over 60,000 dead as a result
• Tornadoes in Oklahoma and Kansas
• Wildfire in California
• Wildfire in Florida

And let's not forget that last weekend was 90+ degrees in Portland, but then on Friday, the heater came on in my car as I was driving to work. Hmmm.
What does it all mean? Is the world about to come to an end? Are all the dinosaurs going to die off? Oh, wait, that already happened.

Yes, I am still trying to figure out how to embed audio and video in my posts, but have not succeeded yet. It's a shame too, because I had the perfect music to accompany this post. If I figure it out, I'll edit this.

Copying Klaus Varley By Copying Klaus Varley

I read this today on The Literary Brothel, and it was so funny, I sent it to my friends, I sent it to my coworker, and they all burst out laughing. So I'm going to copy Klaus (who is, by the way, a stuffed animal with headphones) by copying Klaus's post and reposting it here:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm looking for my girlfriend's email is rainbow butterfly something?

Someone searched the phrase above and landed right here on The Literary Brothel.

In case they search it again, I thought I'd help them out.

Dear: "I'm looking for my girlfriend's email is rainbow butterfly something?"

You're in luck! We've found your girlfriend's email!

And here it is: ifyoudonthaveheremailaddress-sheisnotyourgirlfriend@hotmail.com

Yeah, that's a dash, not an underscore.

You're welcome!

-KV

To see this post in its original format, on its original blog, go to www.theliterarybrothel.blogspot.com

It's addictive, but you won't regret it, I promise.

A Shocking Tale of An Aspiring Writer, a Racist, Drunken Bastard, and Potential Vandalism

As you all know, I write all the time, but it's pretty much just this blog nonsense and the occasional faux-ad or story. It's all good practice, but I wish I could write something of substance, I wish I could write a novel, or at least attempt to. The thing is, when I actually have a topic or theme to write about, I set to it, and do a pretty good job, but the problem is coming up with a topic. Especially a fictional one.
That's why I blog all the time: I get to write, but thinking up a theme or topic isn't really necessary, because I just use whatever I'm thinking of or doing at the time, elaborate on it, and do my best to make it a little witty or entertaining. It's all from my life.
In some ways, my life is a little bit less ordinary than average, and therefore good for writing about: I'm ethnic, but don't look it and am alienated from my culture; I'm an only child, which is always fodder for psychologists; I have, shall we say, an intense personality; my dating life is a farce; and I'm always coming up with odd, yet strenuous projects.
Each of these elements on their own cause interesting stories to happen on a daily basis, but how can I string them all together in some sort of coherent fashion to make a linear (or non-linear, I do love the post-modern) tale?
Novels always have some sort of momentum going: the reader might not know where the story is headed, but it's obviously headed somewhere. Some sort of arc must occur. But since daily life has a million little arcs, but no overarching (ha!) arc, since really, your story is never over until you're dead, I find it difficult to just pull a series of things together and then say, yes, that's it, that's the endpoint.
So here's my little vignette for the night, a 100% true story of racism and potential vandalism:
It's 11:45 p.m., I'm in bed, on the edge of sleep, when suddenly I hear drunken shouting. At first, I think it's my neighbor, who has been known to pull such stunts. I sit up and look out the window. Nope. It's a stranger, probably leaving one of the bars for the night.
"Fuuuuckkk! I don't want no fucking nigger for a president!" It takes me a second, and then I realize what the drunkard is yelling about: Obama.
"I'm a goddamn racist and I don't want to look at no fucking nigger every day!" he continues. Ugh. Several lines of thought run through my brain: first, this sounds like the guy Chris ran into when we were canvassing for Obama, only in a fully inebriated state. Then, I suddenly fear for my car. I've got an Obama sticker stuck to the rear window, and I'm suddenly worried that this idiot will vandalize my car if he sees it. I'm also kind of shocked that someone, even if they're drunk off their head, could lurch down the street yelling such stuff.
Suddenly, a female voice rings out in the night (yes, that sounded cheesy), "Shuuuut uuuppp!"
The drunkard has by now passed my car, so the Volvo's in the clear, and he has now become distracted by the yelling woman.
"You don't tell me to shut up!" he screeches, "Fucking whore. You shut up!" he drivels on in the same vein, interspersed with retaliatory shouts from the woman.
Ugh. Nice. Just what I want to hear when I'm trying to sleep. So now it's 12:41 a.m. and I'm up musing about writing and idiots.

Yes We Can!

I made it to the Obama rally today! We waited in a line for over 2 hours that stretched from Portland State University all the way to Waterfront Park. I don't think my photos truly capture the immense amount of people, but I did my best. The latest estimates are that 75,000 people attended, not only the biggest crowd yet for Obama, but also the biggest crowd rallying for any politician campaigning to date. How's that for inspiration?
Fortunately, it had cooled off a bit today: down to 86 degrees or so, whereas it was around 100 yesterday. Many streets were blocked off for the procession of rally-goers; others were filled with satellite vans from various TV stations. Once we got in, volunteers were handing out cups of water and spraying the crowd down with squirt bottles to prevent heat stroke. It was pretty entertaining. The rally was truly a thrill. Obama was exciting and motivating to listen to; it made me very excited to be on the path to becoming a lawyer. Hopefully, someday I will be able to make a difference and inspire people at least a tiny fraction of the amount he did today. I couldn't really see him from where we were standing: he was more like a tiny animated figure in a white shirt behind a tree. But it was him! And I was there! And it was history in the making.
So here are some photos and videos I took:
















The point of the videos below is not what you see, because really, there's nothing to see but the crowd (I was walking while the recorder was running, so it might make you nauseous), but rather what to hear: what you're listening to are clips of Obama's speech, just as I heard it.


Leaving it to the professionals, here's Obama's speech to Portland, courtesy of KGW.com:
http://www.kgw.com/video/index.html?nvid=246496&shu=1

Oh, yeah, and I got to shake hands with David Wu while I was waiting in line. I had already voted for him, and told him so. He said thank you.
An all-around great day!

So Not Funny

Huckabee quips about gun aimed at Obama
1 hour, 4 minutes ago
Republican Mike Huckabee responded to an offstage noise during his speech to the National Rifle Association by suggesting it was Barack Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him.
Hearing a loud noise and interrupting his speech, Huckabee said: "That was Barack Obama. He just tripped off a chair. He's getting ready to speak and somebody aimed a gun at him and he — he dove for the floor."
There were only a few murmurs in the crowd after the remark.
The Obama campaign had no comment.
Huckabee, who sought the GOP presidential nomination, won the leadoff Iowa caucuses and seven other states. But he dropped out after Sen. John McCain, the likely nominee, piled up a series of big victories. An ordained Baptist minister, Huckabee attracted strong support among religious conservatives.
He and former GOP candidate Mitt Romney addressed the NRA convention Friday as did McCain.
--From Associated Press/Yahoo News

What an idiot.

A City Gripe

This is my neighborhood, and I love it. It's super convenient: I can walk to my choice of grocery stores, the bank, work, and tons of nice shopping and restaurants. It's very dense by Portland standards, as it has a higher percentage of apartments than most other neighborhoods.

But. But, because of said nice shopping and restaurants, this neighborhood is a tourist mecca, for out-of-towners and suburb-dwellers alike. Neither of which know how to parallel park.

As a result of this, sunny days and the Christmas shopping season are a unique kind of urban hell for neighborhood residents.

There is hardly any off-street parking for residents, and what is available comes with exorbitant fees, so it really isn't an option. So everyone parks on the street, myself included. Everyone who lives here and owns a car MUST know how to parallel park, otherwise they will be in deep doo-doo. So that is why I get so angry with the tourists.

For example: on one occasion, I was leaving, and there was an open spot behind me. A big-ass minivan (I hate mini-vans, just on principle) tried to park behind me. Key word: tried. The passenger got out of the van to direct the driver. (Watching that alone is a spectator sport for residents.) As soon as I take off, the van scoots forward, so that it's effectively taking up TWO parking spots! Grrrr! This is not an isolated event. Countless times I see the goddamned suburbanites doing this. It is inconsiderate. If they don't know how to effectively parallel park, they should use the pay parking lots, and leave the street parking for residents, instead of wasting space. Last night, which was the first really warm night in ages, I circled for parking for probably half an hour because of so many tourists wasting two spots with one tiny car.

One day I was looking for parking behind a little, tiny Toyota Corolla. They see a [by my standards] huge spot, try to park, fail, the passenger gets out to help the driver, still fail, so they give up and drive off. I swoop into the rejected spot with my twice-as-long Volvo wagon, and park in a few seconds. Ta-da! I found that very entertaining. Come on people. Learn how to drive, or stay in the suburbs. But at least that instance worked out in my favor.
(And just for the record, yes, my Volvo flies just like the one in the photo.)

I Wanted to Celebrate, So Sue Me

To celebrate getting into law school, I invited a bunch of my friends out for dinner Friday night. We went to Patanegra, a tapas bar near my apartment. The night started off slightly awkward, as not everyone knew each other. But as the cava and sangria flowed, everyone relaxed and started to have more fun. Food and drink were delicious. Thank you all for coming!

Splitting Ends

I got on it and went to CoolRunning.com per Liz, found the "Couch-to-5K Running Plan," printed it out, and did it. This evening. Run number one, from week number one. It went okay, although I tied my left shoe too tight or something, because my foot went numb. Ugh. But I decided I REALLY needed to get off my butt and lose some weight, as it's almost as bad as when I was going out with the stupid junk-food-boyfriend. Bad bad bad. So this is a step in the right direction. And, as I'm planning on going to the beach in Spain, I don't want to look like a cow among all those beautiful Europeans. Hopefully, I will lose 10 pounds. 15 would be excellent, but probably won't happen (that requires me getting so depressed about something that I feel sick when I eat--I think I would rather weigh 5 more pounds than be unhappy). So, good job Laura!
I cut my own hair a few minutes ago. I don't think it looks crazy or anything. It's just that I've had a severe case of split-end-itis the last few months, and keep on going in for a trim, but the damn things keep coming back, causing tangles and generally disgusting hair. I got tired of spending $20 for nothing, so I cut it myself. I really don't think anyone will notice a difference, but now the tangles are gone, thankfully.
I REALLY want to go get a massage or go for the full experience at Loyly. It's a Scandinavian-inspired sauna/spa in SE. It sounds sooooo nice. It's ultra hip, but not expensive. My posture is super bad lately, my shoulders are totally scrunched up to my ears, and I think a massage might help. Even just a pedicure sounds nice: warm water, relaxed feet, and ultimately, pretty toenails. Someday....

I'm excited that so many of my friends are going to make it to my celebration dinner tomorrow night. Yay! At least eight of them. Sweet! I feel popular.

The Blog of a Future Attorney...

I got in! I got in! I got in! I am a Lewis and Clark law student!