How to Start a Fire at Work Like a Movie Star

Remember the episode of "The Office" where Ryan starts a fire with the toaster oven? That could have been me today.

I didn't really have any leftovers to bring for lunch, so I threw in some frozen chicken empanadas from Trader Joe's. When I got here, I realized that they were completely raw, and if I put them in the microwave, they would turn into a puddle of doughy goo. My solution: jam them into the toaster. Toasters are sort of like ovens, only vertical, right?

I cranked the dial up to the darkest setting and hoped for the best. A little bit of smoke wafted out, but nothing alarming. The cycle was done, and while some parts were burned, others were still doughy. So I rearranged them by, yes, sticking a knife in the toaster slots, and then had them toast through another cycle. My co-worker came in, saw what was going on, and commented that I had "made lunch entertaining."

The toaster started emitting a strange hum. I looked inside, and a little fire had started. But not a burning food fire, but rather a short-circuit fire, hence the hum. So I turned it off, stuck the knife in the toaster again to extricate the little empanadas, and succeeded in alarming my co-worker. "Do you need help?" she asked. "Oh, no, everything's under control," I replied as I turned the toaster upside down and started shaking it. Toast crumbs flew everywhere.

End result? Actually, surprisingly good. The photo above (taken with my cell phone's camera, also surprisingly good) is my sad little lunch today. A little burnt and definitely misshapen, but the crust actually got crispy and flakey like in the oven. Who knew? And the fire department wasn't called, always a good thing.

First Impressions of "The Wire"

A couple of my friends really like this show, so I thought I would give it a whirl. It's HBO, so it ought to be good. I LOVE "The Sopranos" and "Sex in the City," so it seemed a safe bet. Now, I've watched the first three episodes.
My verdict: yeah, it's good, but it doesn't hold a candle to "The Sopranos." Sorry guys. The English major has spoken.
The very first episode of "The Sopranos" had me totally psyched. I wanted to write an essay about it. There was so much going on, the characters were so complex, there was just so much symbolism, so much psychology, I thought I would explode. I talked to my friends about it. I talked to my New Jersey-native English professor about it. The soundtrack was always so good. The juxtaposition of old world versus pop culture, Mafia family versus wife and kids was fascinating. I was hooked.
"The Wire" keeps me entertained. It lives up to its gritty description. But I don't feel instantly invested in the characters the way I did with "The Sopranos." Maybe they will develop more as the show goes on. But with Tony, Carmella, etc, it was instantaneous.
But maybe it's me. I've always had a Mafia fascination. While yes, "The Wire" deals with organized crime, it's of a different, very non-glamorous sort. Rather, it's the sort that I went to middle and high school with. The poor kind of organized crime. Poverty isn't glamorous: my sixth grade locker partner got pregnant and dropped out of middle school by eighth grade. No glamor there. Just poverty and desperation. So maybe I prefer watching criminals who live in expensive, gaudy homes rather than the projects.
But "The Wire" has some nice touches: at the beginning of the third episode, D'Angelo teaches his cronies how to play chess, using street comparisons. No medieval kings and queens here. These pieces are now streetwise muthafuckas. D'Angelo appears to be the most complex character so far: he's a criminal, but there's something in his face that looks so innocent, like he wants to be good, that makes me interested.
But there are a couple of things that just don't make sense to me. First of all, the typewriter. Yes, I understand that the point is that the Baltimore police lack funds, but come on, a manual typewriter? I went to public school my whole life, and always used computers. You would think that they could at least spring for an electric typewriter.
Second, in the third episode, McNulty beds down the attorney. Nope. I don't think that would happen. McNulty is WAY better looking than her. In my experience, people usually end up with people of an equivalent level of attractiveness (unless something weird or scammy is going on). Nines do eight-to-tens, twos do other twos, etc. McNulty, in my opinion, is approximately a seven, but the attorney is a two or three at best. No way. But I guess people do get desperate sometimes.
So I will keep watching, I have to find out what happens, don't I? Maybe it will flesh out more, and I will care more about what happens to the characters.
Oh, and a request: don't talk about the end of "The Sopranos." I haven't finished watching the final season yet.

Dwarfs and Sam Adams Meet the Big Sleep

I think there must be some sort of convention in town, because I saw more dwarfs (is that that the politically correct term? Or do they prefer "Little People"?) in person yesterday than I have the rest of my life put together. While out wandering around during my lunch break, I saw what at first appeared to be two unsupervised toddlers waiting at the streetcar stop. But as I got closer, I realized that one had a mustache, and the other had breasts. Not toddlers, but dwarfs!
Then, as I was leaving work, I saw another dwarf-man standing outside of Caffe Umbria.
Something must be going down. (Ha!)

Speaking of Caffe Umbria, I saw Commissioner Sam Adams outside it enjoying a coffee today, also as I was on my way home from work. It's a pity he's gay, since he's so hot (although he does look rather silly in this photo).

Finally, I think I might be regressing back to how I was supposed to be during my teenage years: I can't for the life of me get up on time in the morning. I get 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night, but apparently, that's not enough. Or I'm allergic to my alarm clock. Yes, that's probably it.
But seriously, in high school, I had to wake up at 7:00 at the latest, and I always did. Now, as supposedly an adult, I'm finding it difficult to rise before 8:00. So now 9:00 a.m. is really more like 9:15, 9:25. I always have good intentions the night before: "Tomorrow, I really will wake up on time. Maybe I'll even get up early enough to go to Ken's for breakfast and then walk to work."
But it rarely happens.

Infinite Possibilities

Well, maybe infinite is an exaggeration, but still, possibilities are swirling around me.
At least one of them is bound to pan out, although it might take a while. But it's okay. Whatever happens is meant to happen, and stressing, pushing, or strategising won't change the outcome.
Is it strange that I feel like however my life is going to turn out is sort of predestined, and if, for example, I sneeze or something, and cause a commotion, I think it's an accident, but really it was what was supposed to happen in the first place? Also, is it contradictory to think everything is predestined if you don't believe in god? I don't think so.
I do think I might be watching a little too much "Lost."
I don't think I explained that very well. But I'm going to assume you know what I mean. Also, I'm really big on seeing odd coincidences as SIGNS. But the thing is, if you're out looking for coincidences or similarities, you probably will be able to find them, just by the sheer fact that you are looking. Looking magnifies every little detail. So is that something you should really trust as being a sign? It seems like it could be sort of self-propagating.
It's funny how things work; you really can't predict the future. I have no idea what's going to happen, but for whatever reason, I have a good feeling. Like either way, I'm going to get something that I want.
Not knowing can be exciting!

La Luna*

Okay, I'm sorry, I am fully aware that this photo is lame. But it was the clearest one I took last night that actually included the moon. I could break out the world reknowned "Blurry Photo Gallery," but I'm guessing you won't be interested in truly indecipherable pictures of the moon. Sorry, back to the point.

Last night was a lunar eclipse! The last one for two years, in fact. It was cloudy most of the day here in Portland, but miraculously, it cleared up in time. It was pretty cool, perhaps not as dramatic as a solar eclipse, but hey, you can watch it without risking burning your retinas!

First of all, the moon looked huge, and muddy, and initially, like a section had been carved out of it. That was really the most exciting point. After that, it continued to look huge and muddy, but not carved anymore. But really, it was quite exciting.

Everyone was out last night, staring at the sky from whatever vantage point was deemed preferrable. The photo above was taken on the infamous Suicide Bridge on SW Vista, but was really just a stopover on my way to a more adventurous, but, alas, less advantagous focal point.

My goal was the top of Council Crest. Unfortunately, I hadn't been there in several years, and finding it in the dark proved more challenging than I was anticipating. Plus, I was rushing, because I didn't want to miss it. I might have run over a rat on the way there. Hopefully not, as I stopped suddenly, but when I proceeded again, I felt like I ran over a little bump in the road. Hopefully, it was just a stick or something, and not Mr. Rodent. But these things happen.

Anyway, I got kind of lost, and wound up on some hill, but it wasn't Council Crest. I stood out there for maybe 20 minutes, then decided I was getting cold and had sufficiently viewed the eclipse. I headed back down the hill, but again, really didn't know where I was going. Where did I end up? On top of the actual Council Crest. Oops. I drive around it, then head back down, thinking I am driving in the direction of Portland. Nope. I end up exactly where I started: on that hill that wasn't Council Crest.

So I try again, making completely different turns from last time, and truly have no idea where I am or what direction I'm going. But I'm going. The streets get narrower, curvier, and darker. Nary a street light is in sight at this point, and I'm getting a little bit nervous. Lost in the rich white suburbs! I might get approached by the fashion police. Or someone might question me because my Volvo is 9 years old, pretty sketchy for that neighborhood.

Finally, the tiny curvy road opens up onto what appears to be a main (although still dark and curvy) street. It leads downhill, which is also a promising sign. Hmm. Things are starting to look familiar. What?! Is that OHSU in the distance? Yes. I look for a street sign, and finally find one. SW Gibbs? I know where I am! I'm not lost anymore. In fact, I'm right in front of my friend's house. I haven't seen him for a while, so I might as well stop by and bother him. Yes, his car's there. Oh, but everything's dark. I give him a call to warn him, no answer, so I leave a message. Then I knock on his door. Just as I'm about to give up and leave, a light turns on, and he emerges from the back of the house and lets me in.

Damn! I woke him up. Sorry. But it's okay. We have tea and chat. It was fun.

*Native Portland GenXers: please note the mid-90s pop culture reference. Remember La Luna in SE? Remember all the great shows you saw there? I sure do: They Might Be Giants, Cherry Poppin' Daddies, countless other grunge, swing, and ska bands. Everclear played there my freshman year for $5.00. Ah, those were the days.

iAss G2: At Your Local Apple Dealer Now

The World's First Multi-Functional Assessory. Introducing The iAss G2.

Full of Air.

iAss G2 is ultrathin, ultraportable, and ultra unlike anything else. You will lose inches and pounds overnight. It’s the result of rethinking conventions. Of multiple wireless innovations. And of breakthrough design. With iAss G2, mobile everything suddenly has a new standard.

iAss G2 is designed and engineered to take full advantage of the wireless world. In a world in which public toilets are increasingly unsanitary or unusable, iAss is so fast and so available, people are truly living untethered — surfing the web, making calls, listening to MP3s, and now...also firming their tush and instantly vaporizing anything that comes out that end, eliminating the need for toilet visits. The new standard of mobile efficiency is here. The iAss G2.

You'll have everyone begging to kiss your iAss.

I Always Wanted Lawn Mowing Planner and Mr. Arty-Farty

Something that made me laugh last year for an ENTIRE afternoon, thereby annoying one of my coworkers:

Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615x Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of preinstalled software--Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. Arty-Farty, Blank Screen Saver, and Antarctica Route Finder--which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.

--From I'm a Stranger Here Myself by Bill Bryson.

Wandering Pooch

I had dinner at my parents' house tonight, and decided to take the, ahem, scenic route (okay, I was being weird, but in the nicest way possible) home. So it's dark and I'm driving down NE 24th, when all of a sudden I see a dog wander out into the street. Uh oh, that's not good. 24th is a mildly busy street. He could get hit!

So I stop the car in the middle of the street (no one was behind me), put on my hazards, and approach the dog. He's friendly and smiling, and runs up to me with tail wagging. So what's going on here?

I check his tag, and he lives pretty much right there. But I'm sure his owners don't intend for him to just wander around in the street. Cars start approaching, and having my car stopped in the middle of the street is probably going to cause alarm, so I actually park it, then get out and talk to Mr. (or Miss) Dog again. He seems very well trained: if I ask him to come or follow me, he does. He must like me, he licked me. (If only humans were so simple to read.) We walk up to his porch, and I ring the bell. No one answers. We hang out for awhile. I ring the bell again. Nothing. Hmm.

Then I see the next door neighbors come home. Poochie and I head over there. I talk to them; they seem nice, and offer to watch him, "hang out" as they put it, until the owners come home. They thank me for being a good samaritan. I leave him in their care. I wish I had noticed what his (or her) name was. He was such a nice dog. Soft fur, but no doggy odor. He looked a lot like the one in the photo.

Lower City: Review

This isn't going to be very well written, I fully admit. I'm tired, and it's late, but I wanted to write down all my thoughts before I forgot them.

Tonight I watched a Brazilian film called "Lower City." It is the story of two "brothers," childhood friends actually, who meet a whore who offers up herself to both of them for a ride on their boat to a different city. One brother is black, the other is white, and the whore appears mixed. This image carries through the entire film. Before they reach their final destination, they make a stop in some town and watch a cock fight. Oh yes, it foreshadows what will eventually happen to them: one rooster is black, one is white, and they beat each other to a bloody pulp. And don't forget that it is a "cock" fight. The whore ultimately has control of both of their cocks just as the referee controls the roosters.

Naturally, the two brothers fall in love with the whore, which causes them to turn against one another. Her mixed ethnicity seems to embody the combination of them. I don't know how to better phrase that, but I'm sure you get the idea. She gets pregnant, but really, it could be either of theirs, or someone else's altogether (her job is to have sex with random people, after all). Just like the roosters, they beat each other up, and at the end, the whore is shown tending to their wounds, dabbing at them from the same white cloth, then soaking the cloth in a bowl of water. Their blood effectively mixes in the bowl, impossible to separate, just as the two friends are forever intertwined.

I'm guessing that all this probably also represents something political, but I don't know enough about Brazil to venture a guess on that one.

Anyway, although it's been at least 9 years since I've read a Greek tragedy (but believe me, I read quite a few), this tale could easily have been ripped from one of them. Two brothers torn asunder by a woman. It's a common theme. But here's my question: why do I not ever remember seeing or reading the tale of two sisters torn asunder by a man? Why are woman depicted so much more often in such a role? Sure, there are bad guys in films all the time: devious criminals, seducers of innocent, naive women, etc. but rarely are they put in quite such a position as in this film. Why?

Not to say that the woman in this film was evil; she wasn't, she didn't do any of this purposefully. But I guess that's what makes it a tragedy. But temptresses seem quite common, tempters, much less so.

The Board Members Were Happy with My Report!

If you've been reading this blog recently, you know that I've had a lot of reports to finish at work lately. One was a performance report for the State of Hawaii Employees' Retirement System which went out last week. My co-worker is over in Hawaii to present it to the board, and just emailed me to say "Good job on the hawaii report. The board members were happy."
In addition, we were mentioned today in an article in the business section of Honolulu's daily newspaper, The Honolulu Advertiser. It's pretty exciting! So today is actually turning out to be a pretty good day. Here's the story:

ERS fund Off for Quarter, Up $906 Million for Year
By Greg Wiles, Advertiser Staff Writer

The Hawai'i Employees' Retirement System lost on its investments during the October-to-December quarter, but it wasn't nearly enough to erase gains during the rest of 2007 as assets at the state's largest pension plan ended the year at $11.6 billion.
The plan's consultants, Pension Consulting Alliance Inc., yesterday reported the rate of return was negative 0.4 percent during the quarter as stock markets in the U.S. and internationally recorded losses on investor concerns about economic weakness. The downturn was softened by gains in real estate and bonds and other fixed-income investments.
Pension Consulting told the ERS trustees there were bright spots in the three-month period, including doing better than other funds with more than $1 billion in assets, which had a median return of negative 0.7 percent. The same was true when comparing the ERS against the median fund performance on an annual basis and for three- and five-year periods.
"You've outperformed your peers," said Pension Consulting's Jeremy Thiessen. He reported 12 of the plan's 13 domestic equity managers outperformed benchmarks, with local managers at Bank of Hawaii and C.M. Bidwell & Associates topping the group.
"The managers you've selected have had excellent performance."
The ERS provides retirement benefits for state and county workers and tries to earn an 8 percent return on its portfolio each year. Despite the fourth-quarter setback the portfolio had a 10.6 percent return during 2007. That compared to the median fund's return of 8.6 percent.
For the year, assets grew by $906 million from the $10.7 billion at the end of 2006.
Asset growth would have been higher if not for the $37 million decline in assets in the fourth quarter. The loss was the ERS' first since June 2006, according to Pension Consulting.
Reach Greg Wiles at gwiles@honoluluadvertiser.com.

My New Roommate Jonathan

Yes, my new best friend and roommate is a beetle (?) named Jonathan. And I spent over $50 on new cds. Plus other stuff happened, including my parents asking me a question I wasn't looking forward to answering. Oh yeah, and eau de WD-40 is emanating from my oven. Yes, I caused it. Oops. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

If I've befriended a bug, then obviously, it was one of those days, if you know what I mean.

A great deal of alcohol will be consumed shortly, accompanied by very loud music (new cds).

Ah, Multi-tasking

I went over to my friend Alex's house tonight for dinner, along with Bruno. The plan was to have dinner early enough that we would be able to go to the famed "Sesame Donuts" for dessert. I assumed we would be done around 7:00, at which time I would call my other friend Nick, who would meet us at the doughnut shop (he lives WAY out in Hillsboro).

Well, everyone got delayed, and at 7, Bruno was complaining about a swollen gland in his armpit while playing chess with me, and Alex prepared dinner. We were way behind schedule. So I call Nick to let him know the situation, while simultaneously talking to Bruno about the swollen gland and playing chess. I'm blabbing away while Nick answers the phone. What is he greeted with? No, not the typical hello. Rather: "BRUNO, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP TAKING BIRTHCONTROL PILLS!!" I had no idea he had answered the phone already. Whoops.

Nick's response: "Uhhh, moving on..."

I laughed and laughed. Repeatedly. Over the same thing. Throughout the rest of the evening, every time that scene re-entered my head.

So Nick ended up driving all the way to Portland and joined us for dinner. We all ate chicken, talked politics, and drove out to Sesame Donuts. And laughed and laughed and laughed.

Three Unrelated Items

First of all, I finished the Market Overview, Hawaii performance report, and cleaned up both the oatmeal problem and the orchid potting mix. Whew!

Second, speaking of orchids, one of mine rebloomed. This is always an occasion to celebrate, as it took me years to figure out how to get my orchid to rebloom. I have three, but so far, this is the only one that will. It's very pretty, see photo at left.

Finally, something a little funny, but nice happened recently. (This quickly turns into me being silly, just to warn you.) I was walking with someone, and noticed that we were exactly in step. It sort of startled me at first, as it sounded like marching. It was purely accidental. But seriously, how often does that happen? I mean really, think back. How often has that happened to you?

So, here comes the English major/film imagery critic/silly me part: I looked at it as symbolic, emblematic. As in: feet in step, minds in step. Isn't that nice? Isn't that also completely ridiculous? So yeah, I've been thinking about that the last few days. Yes, I'm a little weird.

A Little Overwhelmed....

I've got a crapload of work lately, as well as a lack of concentration. Result: UGGGGHHH!
And, did I also mention that I'm supposed to be studying to take the CIPM (Certificate in Investment Performance Measurement) test in April?
In addition, there is a blueberry-infused oatmeal situation on my kitchen floor, as well as a trail of orchid potting mix leading from my hallway to my bathtub that needs taking care of (I repotted my orchids on Saturday). Oh yeah, and I have a social life too, which happens to be super-exciting of late (lots of new friends and interest).
Here's my task list for work for this month:
1.Los Angeles Fire and Police 4Q2007 Performance Report, due??
2. All Clients 4Q2007 Market Overview, due 2/4/2008
3. Hawaii Employees’ Retirement System 4Q2007 Performance Report, due 2/5/2008
4. Scholarshare Investment Board RFP, due 2/9/2008
5. Directors Guild of America 4Q2007 Performance Report, due 2/12/2008
6. Directors Guild of America January Flash Report, due 2/12/2008
7. East Bay Municipal Utility District 4Q2007 Performance Report, due 2/15/2008
8. Los Angeles Department of Water and Power RFP, due 2/28/2008
9. California State Teachers Retirement System 4Q2007 Semi-Annual Board Report, due 2/29/2008

It looks like a lot, but I know I will get it all done. (I have to.) Actually, I know I will be feeling better about it all after tomorrow, as two BIG items will be done.

Something to Crow About

YESSSSSSSSSS!

Maybe the crazy woman is right. Maybe the energy IS good and strong this year.

I Was Ready to Pull a Kate

I decided to take my garbage out this morning as I was leaving for work. Sounds ordinary enough, right? Our garbage area is a little alley in between my apartment building and the building next door. You enter it through a door leading out of my apartment's laundry area, and the door locks behind you, so if you intend to go back in, you have to either prop open that door with something (we don't have keys for it), or go all the way outside onto the sidewalk through a little gate, and come back in through the front door. My plan was to just drop the garbage in the bin, and head out through the gate into the world beyond, so I didn't see any need to prop open the laundry room door.
Garbage deposited, I turn the knob on the gate to head out. The handle is slippery with rain and I can't get a firm grip on it to turn. I pull a kleenex out of my pocket (I can't vouch for a lack of snot, sorry) and dry off the handle. Yes, I've got a grip now. But it won't turn! Shit! I keep trying, but it's no use. I turn back around and try to open the laundry room door, on the off chance that it decided not to lock this time. Nope. Crappity! How the hell am I supposed to get out of here?
I can't climb over the gate itself because barbed wire is strung along the top. A 3-foot-tall cement wall topped by a 3-foot-tall chain link fence separates me from the yard of the building next door. Difficult, but I think I could manage climbing over it all. Scramble up, then hop on down, hoping for the grace of a character on "Lost." It will be my last resort, though. I have another idea.
I call my neighbor Joe, hoping he is still home and can let me back in so that I can get out. Damn! His phone goes straight to voicemail. I leave a message, then proceed to wrestle with the doorknob again. Wait! I know one more neighbor's phone number! I give up on fiddling with the gate for a second, and start dialing Karen's number. All of a sudden, I hear a click. The gate pops open. I'm free! I snap my phone shut and head out. I was sort of excited abouting trying to climb over a fence at 9:00 a.m. That's okay, I probably would have just fallen over.
Moral of this story: if you live in an apartment building, it's handy to have the phone number of at least one neighbor. Also, watching "Lost" inspires athletic ability you probably don't have.